


silver linings

by Mia_Zeklos



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Jalec Week, M/M, Post-Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 08:50:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9877832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mia_Zeklos/pseuds/Mia_Zeklos
Summary: In the aftermath of the party's events, Jace goes looking for answers.





	

It had taken a little convincing, but Maryse had agreed to stay in the Institute for the night. It had been mainly because of Max, Jace supposed; it wasn’t a good idea to have him travel through a portal so soon after getting his first rune, so they’d sent him to his room. Maryse had gone to bed almost an hour ago as well and Jace couldn’t blame her – their day had definitely been as exhausting as it could get – but he still wished _someone_ else had stayed up. The Institute had gone quiet so abruptly that Jace’s ears were almost ringing with the silence.

Even worse, the silence gave him time to think and recently, that had never led to anything good.

By the time he ended up in front of Alec’s room, another half an hour had passed and Jace had mostly wandered aimlessly through the corridors of the Institute, wondering what exactly was expected of him now. Maryse had assured them that she would bring the news about Clary and the Sword back to Idris, but there was no point in getting deeper into that tonight; when the time came, Clary would be called in Idris for investigation and then Jace would follow, even if it was just to make sure that everything went smoothly. But for now, he had much more pressing business to attend to.

Alec opened the door after the third knock, eyes bleary and slightly confused and Jace felt almost guilty for waking him up – even if he tried to hide it, it was clear that that was what had happened.

“Jace,” he acknowledged, voice rough. “Is something wrong? Are Magnus’s wards still up?”

“No, it’s fine,” Jace waved his concerns away, stepping in when Alec moved away from the doorway. “He texted me and told me that I can go back now. But- I wanted to talk to you.”

He could sense that Alec had been about to ask what had happened but had thought better of it – they’d gone through so much in so little time and no one could really focus on anything in particular – and in the end, all he received was a nod as Alec waited for him to continue.

Jace closed the door and neared the bed, sitting down on the edge so that he could be as close as possible; close enough for Alec to be unable to avoid him even if he tried to.

“Why didn’t you tell me it was so bad?” He almost winced at how blunt the question was, but it was better that way – the sooner they got to the root of the problem, the better. “I thought- after everything that happened, I thought you were getting better.”

Alec’s only answer was a dry, bitter laugh. “Your basis for reference wasn’t exactly perfect, Jace.”

It hadn’t been; that much was true. After Jace had escaped the ship, their bond (and Alec himself) had been so brittle that it had almost destroyed them both. Even now, the memory still hurt like an open wound, except it was much worse in retrospect – he’d almost lost Alec _again_ and this time, there would have been nothing he could have done about it. He hadn’t been there in time, he hadn’t even _realised_ and the guilt was almost as suffocating as the realisation that he’d been absolutely helpless.

“You should have said something,” he persisted. “I told you; no one blames you for what happened, and it felt- you felt happier. I thought maybe Magnus could help you.”

“This isn’t something Magnus can fix,” Alec said, eyes fixed on his hands in his lap. He hadn’t met Jace’s gaze ever since Jace had made the reason for his visit clear and he didn’t seem inclined to change that soon. “And you can’t either. I don’t think Clary hates me; I know she doesn’t. But that doesn’t change anything.”

“I know.” As soon as the words left Jace’s mouth he wished he could take them back, but Alec didn’t seem to notice his emotional turmoil, shaking his head in denial instead.

“I don’t think you do.”

“Alec, trust me.” It was too late to give up now, so Jace threw himself headfirst into his confession, heedless of the consequences in the long run. “I _know_.”

In all honestly, he wished he didn’t. He could feel it doubled through their parabatai bond now that Alec wasn’t doing his best to hide it anymore, but that didn’t make his words any less true – he remembered the City of Bones; the way his desperation had clawed its way inside him, burning and destroying every little bit of him on its path until he’d wanted nothing more than to put an end to it. It hadn’t gone away since then, although he’d got better at hiding it; the memory of what he had turned out to be catching up with him every time he took a moment to think.

“Don’t ever do this to me again.” The words – mostly a command, really – were the first thing to get an actual reaction out of Alec, making him look up with eyes that seemed uncharacteristically glossy. “I thought I’d lost you. If it hadn’t been for Magnus, you would have been _dead_ , and I would have had no idea why you’ve done it. And it’s not just about me.” But it _was_ , in a way, and while Jace didn’t want to admit it, he could feel it pouring through to his parabatai anyway, his soul making sure that Alec would understand even when Jace couldn’t find the words he needed. “So many people would have spent their lives missing you, Alec, and I can’t let you-”

“Hey.” Jace’s voice died as he felt an arm wrap around his shoulders, drawing him closer until he was almost resting on Alec’s side. “I’m sorry. It just felt like too much. I didn’t know what to do.”

“Don’t apologise,” Jace said, voice still too shaky for him to get it back under control. “Just promise me you’ll come to me next time.”

Alec laughed; quiet and barely audible and more sincere than anything Jace had heard from him recently. “Only if you promise to do the same.”

Jace leant his head on Alec’s shoulder, closing his eyes as he let himself relax. It was a temporary peace, but it was all he wanted for now. “Deal.” He didn’t need to say more; he could feel their bond as it came to life between them, burning brighter than it had just moments before.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Day Three of Jalec Week - _Angst_. This is the shortest piece I've written for this week, but it feels the most emotional one, so I hope that makes up for it. Feel free to let me know what you think!


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